


We've Made Every Mistake

by Pins_and_Patches



Series: All Night or a Hundred Years [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Autistic Rich Goranski, Big surprise, Bullying, I swear I'll get back to Could Roses Bloom, I'm just a little stuck on the second chapter, Jake Dillinger has ADHD, Jake Dillinger-centric, Title from a Billie Eilish Song, Trans Character, Trans Jake Dillinger, Trans Male Character, Trans Rich Goranski, Transphobia, eventually you guys are gonna get sick of all the richjake and incomplete fics, i dunno what i'll do then, i'm a sucker for richjake, oh yeah, ok that's enough tags, once again y'all are sleeping on autistic rich content, platonic or romantic, probably continue posting, so take this instead, that needs to be a tag yall are sleeping on adhd jake content, uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-14 22:30:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20608385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pins_and_Patches/pseuds/Pins_and_Patches
Summary: It was in sixth grade when Samantha realized she wasn't a girl. She was fairly popular, though, and knew she'd be risking her popularity if she said anything. So she pretended and pretended to be a girl. It was worth it, she told herself.Her dysphoria was bad enough as it was and her friendships could fall apart with even just a gentle nudge, so she stayed quiet.Then she met Emma.





	We've Made Every Mistake

It was only sixth grade, and things were still being figured out for everyone. Big things were happening in everyone’s lives.

Everyone, it seemed, except for Samantha. Her life was exactly the same. Still had lots of friends without really being close to any of them. Still had busy parents. Still felt alone a lot.

Well, one thing had changed.

Samantha knew this for sure:

She was not a girl.

She was a boy- no, he was a boy, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand pretending to be a girl, or just being a girl at all. It physically hurt to see his body, hear his name, and be called she. He wanted to make it stop, but didn’t know how.

finally, he realized he’d have to become a boy.

One day, when he was home alone, he wrote down a bunch of names on a paper, then slowly eliminated every name until he was down to one: Jake.

He looked in the mirror. _Jake Dillinger_. It felt right. He was Jake.

He was Jake.

He repeated it in his head a few times. _Jake. Jake. Jake._

Euphoria rushed through him. He bounced and flapped his hands and giggled uncontrollably.

_Jake_.

From that day on, things just felt more bearable. He would whisper his correct name under his breath during attendance when he was called Samantha, repeat people’s sentences in his head so they were calling him his proper name, imagine himself fully transitioned.

But some days it still just hurt. It didn’t matter what he’d be in the future, just what he was now, and he didn’t want to be what he was now. He didn’t want to be Samantha anymore but there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t sure his parents would accept him or the kids at school would accept him, he figured it was better to just hide it. It hurt when his friends called him Samantha, knowing he’d likely never be safe to tell them, but it was better than the inevitable rejection. He could just live with it.

Then he met Emma Goranski.

Emma was about his age, with long dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, freckles, and earrings. She spoke with a lisp. She usually wore blue t-shirts and black jeans, and seemed to try to make herself unnoticeable.

She was shy and quiet, and didn’t seem too happy with herself. She reminded Jake of himself in certain ways. In fact…

Rumor had gotten out that Emma was a boy too. Some kids had gotten his sketchbook and found drawing after drawing of him as a boy, pages full of scribbles about dysphoria and wanting to not be a girl. The name “Rich Goranski” was written everywhere.

Kids didn’t take well to that. Rich was bullied and harassed by boys, isolated by girls, and with every passing day just seemed to be worse and worse.

Jake decided to do something. He couldn’t stand up to the bullies directly but he could make a gesture to show Rich he cared. 

He approached Rich between classtime and lunch.

Rich was initially surprised that Jake had approached him, and that he was using the correct name, and was awkward and quiet. Finally, after feeling the conversation had gotten nowhere, he asked Rich.

“Hey, do you wanna sit with me at lunch today?”

Rich smiled.

“Yeah, I’d love that. Thanks,” he said, looking genuinely happy for the first time.

The two of them headed to Jake’s table together, and when they sat down, Rich right next to him, the inevitable happened.

“Why’d you invite her?” Jacqueline Caron asked in a harsh tone. “I don’t wanna sit here with someone like her.” 

“Then go sit somewhere else,” Jake replied calmly. “If you can’t handle having him here when he’s done no harm then you can leave.”

“Why do you care so much about her?” A girl Jake didn’t even recognize chimed in.

“Him,” Jake corrected.

“Her.”

Whispers began. _She’s such a freak, I can’t believe Samantha invited her._

Jake felt anger rising in him. He wanted to hit someone but he knew that would absolutely not go well, so instead he found himself yelling.

“If you cant handle trans people then why the hell do you want to sit with me?” He shouted impulsively.

It was only at their shocked reactions that he realized what he’d said. He covered his mouth but he knew it was too late. Nothing could undo that.

Then a couple kids started laughing and others whispering, similar things to what they were saying about Rich.

Jake felt powerless and heartbroken. The one thing he feared the most, which he feared because he knew it would happen, was happening.

He pulled himself into a ball, arms and head on the table, and focused on trying not to cry.

Then someone slammed against the table. Jake hadn’t seen who, since his head was in his arms, but everyone was silent. He looked up.

Rich was standing, his fists on the table.

“Leave him alone!”

The girls across the table were staring him, their looks a mix of shock and disgust.

“Whatever.”

“Whatever?” Rich snapped back. “Is that all you can think to say? That’s weak, that’s fucking weak. All you can think to do is admit defeat?”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Obviously I cant convince her that she’s being stupid and autistic, especially when you’re being autistic too-”

Rich slapped the girl. Everyone was shocked, even Rich, who looked terrified.

“You know, you really are a freak, Emma!”

“I told you, leave us alone, bitch.” Rich hissed.

The girl stormed off. Everyone else followed her, save for a few girls who just left the area entirely.

Rich’s adrenaline and anger was wearing off. His knees were shaking and his breaths were heavy. He sat back down.

“Are you okay, Samantha?” He asked, saying Jake’s deadname with obvious uncertainty.

“It’s Jake.”

“O-oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Jake?”

“I don’t know. I’m… terrified. I didn’t want them to know, but, y'know, I wasn’t gonna stand for that and that’s just kinda what came out.”

“I get it. I didn’t mean to slap that girl, but she was being a jerk and I just kinda lost control when she called us autistic as an insult….. well, okay, I don’t regret slapping her, but that’s besides the point.”

“Hey, Rich?”

“Yeah?”

“I kinda lost my only friends there, so… do you wanna start sitting with me? We could be friends if you’d like.”

“Sure. Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Rich and Jake had each other all through sixth grade and part of seventh, but that never stopped the bullying.

Eventually it got really bad, and Rich’s mom took him out of school, leaving Jake alone.

It was freshman year, and Jake had finally been doing better from the disaster that was sixth and seventh grade. He had cut his hair, started binding, made friends again after a year and a half with no friends, though it was the same thing as sixth grade, been diagnosed with ADHD, and gotten his messy grades back up.

But he hadn’t seen Rich. He wondered where he was, if he was okay. He had been Jake’s friend when Jake made every mistake, was put through hell and back, and he wanted to see him again.

He missed him.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic for my trans Jake series is out and I need to stop procrastinating and go to bed.


End file.
